being uncomfortable

last Thursday morning I was out on my 5am run - I decided to do a 3 mile tempo run at my half-marathon pace.  so I warmed up for 1 mile, ran 3 miles at a 7:20 pace, then ran another mile to cool down.  it was during that 3 mile tempo run that I finally figured out what has been holding me back (I've been struggling with my race times all hovering around the same time or even worse - SLOWER!).  it was during those 3 miles that I realized that I don't like to be uncomfortable :)  well, really who does, right!  about 1.5 miles into the tempo, I started to struggle with my pace --- staring down at my Garmin about 10 times in a matter of 30 seconds - watching my pace get a little slower with each step  - ugh!  and it was at that point - I felt uncomfortable.  normally, when I feel this - I begin to slow down my pace (no matter what distance 3 miles, 13 miles, 26.2 miles) and get back into my "comfort zone" and my happy running place.  where my mind can wander and I'm "comfortable" again.

then on Saturday night, before my half-marathon race, Ross and I went for a 2 mile jog.  I was talking to him about how I am so frustrated with my mental breakdowns during my races.  I told him that I start the race out great and about 3/4 of the way through the race - my pace starts to fade and I struggle with the mental battle between my mind and my Garmin.  I decided at that point I would run the half-marathon without my Garmin.  I would go by feel and not run it for time. 

on race day, Ross headed for the start of the marathon about 20 minutes before it was scheduled to start.  after he left - I found a quiet place to do some stretching, dynamic exercises, and some pace sprints.  as I was finishing up, an announcer came over the loudspeaker and asked for a moment of silence for the people of Boston.  this was my first race after Boston and probably only my 7 or 8th run in a matter of 3 weeks.  (very unusual for me not to run 6 times a week!)  I remember vividly where I stood in Kalamazoo during that moment of silence - I was next to a Pepsi truck.  I paused, took off my visor, and observed the moment of silence - it was at that point that tears just came streaming down my face.  I didn't even bother to look up to see if anyone was watching me... I think it was just 3 weeks of emotions all coming out of me at once.  it was at that time that I really felt a sense of relief - not sure how to describe the relief - it was just relief.  I think I finally let go of everything that's been in my mind since Boston - the sleepless nights I've struggled with and just trying to wrap my mind around everything that happened that day.  I put my visor back on and wiped the tears off my face and put on my game face :)  it was race-time and I was looking forward to seeing what I could do without my Garmin. 

the weather was perfect and the start was not very crowded - I took off at a comfortable pace and decided to resort back to my old method of "fishing".  in my mind I would hook the person in front of me and then begin to reel them in.  the mile markers weren't clearly marked - either that or I just missed a few of them at first :)  - the first mile marker I noticed was mile 4.  it was at that point that I guy ran beside me and said hello.  he said he was from Germany and he asked me how many kilometers into the race we were at that point - we chatted for a few minutes and he said "ok - I have to get back to my pace - no more talking", so I plugged my headphones back in and when back to "fishing".  later the same gentlemen said to me - you seem to be on pace for about a 1:40 finish - i'll stick with you.  I sort of lost track of him for a while but at the finish line he came up to me and said - "you were just a little too fast for me --- impressive time little lady!".  he said he lost me when he had to make a stop at the porta potty :)  throughout the race, I felt really good - there were a few people along the route that had on their 2013 Boston Marathon jackets.  I wore a Boston shirt that I bought at the marathon expo.  I got lots of thumbs up and smiles along the course.  at the 3/4 point I was still feeling good - legs were good and mind was good.  I didn't seem to have that "uncomfortable feeling" - was it because I was aware of the fact that I don't like to be uncomfortable now?  was it the fact that I didn't have my Garmin to check every 10 seconds?  I'm not sure but when I finished the race - I looked up at the clock and was shocked to see 1:35 - wow! I did it!!  I broke through my mental barrier, my feelings of being "uncomfortable", and even better than that - I finally broke 1:37!  along the course, someone told me that I was the 12th woman overall and I knew that I had passed 1 female after that - so I was pretty sure I had 11th place overall but I wasn't sure about my age group.  got home and the kids told me that I placed first!  I laughed because when i'm done with a race they always ask me what place I got  and I always tell them first.... for our family :)  they said no mom, you got first!  I ended up getting first in my age group and 10th overall for women :)  and did i mentioned that I ran a 1:35!!!!  an amazing day for sure!

after I finished my race, I headed back to the 24 mile marker for the marathon so I could run with ross.  I really wanted some chocolate milk (YUM!)  at the finish but I was so afraid that it might upset my stomach and I wanted to be 100% to help ross finish.  as I was walking back to meet ross, it suddenly dawned on me that I would have to run another 2 miles at 7:00 pace!  yikes! - how was I going to do that!?!?  I just ran 13 miles at that pace.  i'll admit - i was so nervous about keeping that pace.  i found ross and ran the last 2 miles with him - it was amazing!  he was amazing!  he ran a 3:17 marathon!!!!!!  a personal best by more than 30 minutes!  now i think i need to have him pace me for my next marathon!  :)  i ducked out just before he ran down the final stretch for the marathon.  (someone standing there cheering actually said to me "Don't quit NOW! you are almost there!" -- i had to laugh because i had already finished my race - i told her - don't worry - i already finished and was running with my husband :)    i walked beside the barriers and had a feeling i might find him in the medical tent :)  ... and i did.  i'll admit - this made me nervous for a couple of reasons - first i hoped ross was ok - but second it reminded me so much of Boston - i was actually super nervous to stay around the finish line.  i tried to focus on other things - but it was impossible.  i kept looking all around .... listening the the announcer calling the names of the finishers.  after a few minutes, ross decided he was ok to walk about of the tent.  we found a place to sit down for a while - i stretched his legs but he didn't look so good - he started to shake from being cold and get pale.  i decided that he should go back to the medical tent --- and part of me gasped at the fact that we had to go back to the finish line area again.  long story short- ross started feeling a little better and we left for the car.  i was so nervous being in the medical tent, but maybe that was what i needed to get over things.